I miss my wife today

I miss my wife today, which is just another day of this torment.  I miss her so much, every now again my body can trick my mind and I will feel that warmth of when I used to see her driving down the drive way...that moment I would know we would be re-united.  Each and every time I left her the return was a reunion.  I would feel that feeling for a short time until it will, inevitably, ebb into a sea of misery that is my current station.  My life, indeed, is like the tide to that sea moving forward and backward in constant movement never settling but always moving.  My emotions too are floating in this sea, this sea of misery.  I can say one day I am fine but to the next I must throw myself unto the providence of the master of the universe and He will tell me for I feel as though I have no control in this life.  NONE!  With everything I have lost in my life I may still seem rich.  I may have a home and a car.  I may have shelves of books and a lawn to mow--even a TV--but despite all those things I cannot help but feel that all I have is nothing.  The things I cherished have been blown into the wind like the seeds of a dandelion.  I know not where they will land, those seeds, but I do know that I felt that gust that dis-lodged them.  And so while I may have everything that some may dream it is human nature to not realize that the things most precious are not the ones that you can hold in your hand but the things that you can hold within your heart, like that of those you love. And I have loved so much in this world, I have loved loving too.  I have loved and loved without ever conceptualizing the end of things, why focus on ends?  It is the means that are pleasurable to me.  It was Her body and spirit in its presences that indulged, I did not covet her in that way.  Tenderly, I reflect now on whether it was a mistake to not indulge in Her more than I did.  But then could I?  Alas, my life expounds questions upon questions of which the answer will illude and deceive. Happiness itself is illusive, perhaps it is even a memory.  Oh how that thought terrifies me...the end of happiness.  I was so happy with Her.  Everything with Her was my muse, EVERYTHING.  The only--the ONLY--things she could have ever done to hurt me was to stop loving me.  Never did this happen not once.  Not when I was cruel without warrant.  Not when our lives together seemed too much a struggle.  Not when we did not have enough to eat or had to toil over spending 5 or 6 dollars outside out meager budget.  It was with Her that I lived with almost nothing and felt to be the richest of them all for I had Her and she was mine and I was hers.  With each possessing the other there was no need to have anything else and so even as we ate beans and rice and toiled in poverty I felt so rich having been with Her, to survive that struggle with Her, and to emerge from that time together.  My god, what have I lost losing Her...nothing else can seem to matter any longer.  Nothing :( 

~the saddest man on earth