When CS Louis lost his wife, that is how he curtly described this feeling of losing the ONE person that you are closest to: "Amputation!" So much of Her was a part of me too, and I have no choice but to mourn that part of me as I will have to let it go. I literally have no choice for She is gone and forever destined to have influence only as memory--the past tense. MY GOD! Just considering THAT, how it hurts my insides; no reality have I ever wanted more to not be so. No thing in my life is such as this, I have not felt this powerlessness in the face of the madness of death or any other life event as it now befalls me. I curse death. Hence this terrible tragedy I have felt personally every death I have heard about in some way. I think of all the loved ones and their pain. Indeed, it is my pain too and the realization of that empathy is heart breaking down to my marrow. I love my beloved wife so much. I miss Her terribly. I miss Her. I miss Her. I miss Her! Her death, this is the sort of thing I would have talked to Her about. She would have been the One to console me, to comfort me, and it is because She is the most important thing to me I would have gone to Her. So fucking tell me? Who do you go to now? And really, this isn't some fucking normal loss but the loss of everything! My center. The thing that made reality, it is gone. Will I ever know normal again? I don't tell most people in my life but really there is this ever present inner horror to this situation. A horror that is stirred every time I at all consider the magnitude of this loss. It is just enough to go through the days, day in day out, with the courage to allow everyone else to accept that you are at a place that you really aren't.
"How are you?"...Is possibly the most inappropriate use of the verb 'to be' I have ever encountered. I understand that people are sympathetic. That they will expect me to say 'struggling but getting better' or 'okay' but I can tell you this is not true. I am not fucking okay! My fucking wife is dead. DEAD! WHAT the Fuck! I wish I could answer like that, but then I make other people feel bad and then I feel even worse. And really, I am okay when you think about the fact that I am still a functioning human being with a fucking job. But is that really what passes for 'okay' these days? Being able to get to the trough? Not for me! I want to be fucking happy. And I was happy. I was so happy I cannot even articulate how happy I was. I loved everything about Her. I loved talking to Her. 15 years and still we could go a 6 hour drive just chatting and not even turn on the radio. Is that normal? I get the impression is isn't normal but I didn't fucking even care about a "normal" relationship. I wanted Her because, I don't know, love and shit. I was so devoted to Her. She was the most genuine and kindest person with an honesty that had complexity. We didn't always agree and sometimes would not get along but those moments were so rare I hope I forget them first! We always loved each other and were devoted to each other. I used to tell Her when She was feeling down about Her family that I was Her family--we had no kids. And when I would have a rough patch with my family I always knew She would be there because Her and I were a family. Two things one. How do you divide the indivisible? And can you still call whats left a man? Or a wretch? I fear the latter.
~the saddest man on earth
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