Mourning is just Drowning Forever

Helplessness is like the feeling of drowning without the catharsis of death.  When you drown you do eventually die but this helpless flailing of despair and mourning does not end but will go on. There will be no last breath as a requiem for this suffering, no funeral for the corpse…just endless helpless suffering.  I miss my wife so much.  I mourn every moment of every day, every turn of my head leads my eyes to the corner of my vision as perhaps She is on the precipice, that hope is still there.  When I walk through my living room my eyes reflexively draw to where She used to sit, the impressions of Her slender figure are still there in the couch.  Every once in a while I can bear to comprehend Her loss and I am troubled with the idea that the penumbra of Her body upon that couch is now more real than her presence.  Ahhhhhh!  Can you imagine such torment?  Can you!?  It is nearing to the unbearable but for my sacred wonder with being the one left behind in life.  Life is so wondrous and magnificent; and I do not account for my misery by its existence.  Life goes on despite misery and tragedy and always has; I can accept that.  Even without Her I draw from this wondrous world.  I read sad stories and consider sad things and even within their sorrow there is still wonder there.  I can still feel pleasure, happiness breaks the clouds of my misery every so often and I am blessed with forgetting my miserable station but I do not lie to myself as I know that much suffering is still mine to have and will be there whether I wish to have it or not.  I have no control.

Today I looked at my phone.  What a pathetic entry into the annals of mourning.  No?  I looked at my phone and the despair, it washed over me.  I began drowning.  Why such a mundane act could lead to such hell is because my mind had forgotten a present reality.  And so I looked, I looked at that damn fucking phone, to see if my Beloved had texted me.  She would always text me throughout the day.  I have them all too.  I have the texts going back for years.  I am sure I will enjoy them later in the journey for this loss but I am glad they are there.  I cannot bear to look, but to know is comforting; I take all the comfort I can get because I am an inherently uncomfortable person.  I am not comfortable unless I am with Her.  She is what comforted me and now I am un-comfortable.  Will I ever be again?  Only providence will deliver to me this answer.  Providence is a bitch.

~the saddest man on earth